Please Don’t EVAH!: Requests From An Athlete To Their Parent[s]
Dear Durable Minds,
I know my parents love me and care about how I do, but there are a few things that really upset me. I know I should say something but sometimes I'm too scared or wonder if I am making a bigger deal over it than I need to -Bubbling Up Inside
“Behind every young athlete who believes in himself/herself is a parent who believed first” - Mathew L. Jacobson
Dear Bubbling Up Inside [BUI],
You are right your parents do love and care about you. You may feel comfort in knowing that you're not alone. We have collected a list from athletes over the years. Let's see if any of these sound familiar.
Top 10 Please Don't Evahs:
Yell from the sidelines: While it's natural for parents to get excited and passionate about their child's sports games, yelling from the sidelines can be distracting and embarrassing for the athlete. Research shows that athletes are more likely to feel anxious and perform poorly when their parents are overly critical and vocal during games. According to a study published in the Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, parents who engage in positive reinforcement and offer support rather than criticism can improve their child's athletic performance and enjoyment of the sport.
Criticize my performance: Athletes often put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform well, and depending on their family situation hearing criticism from their parents can be discouraging and hurtful. Research shows that parental criticism can lead to decreased self-esteem and motivation in young athletes. Instead of criticizing, parents can offer constructive feedback and focus on the athlete's efforts and improvements rather than just the outcome of the game.
Talk to the coach on my behalf: Athletes want to be able to advocate for themselves and handle their own issues with their coach. When parents step in, it can make them feel powerless and embarrassed. It's important for parents to let their child take the lead in communicating with their coach and to offer guidance and support why they are learning that skill.
Compare me to other athletes: Every athlete is unique and should be appreciated for their individual talents and abilities. Comparing them to other athletes can make them feel inadequate and demotivated. Research shows that comparing children to their peers can lead to decreased self-esteem and negative social comparisons. Parents can encourage their child to focus on their own progress and improvements rather than constantly comparing themselves to others.
Constantly check in on my progress: While it's important for parents to be supportive and involved in their child's athletic pursuits, constantly checking in on their progress can feel like pressure and be overwhelming. It's important for parents to find a balance between being supportive and allowing their child to take ownership of their own athletic journey.
Show up unannounced at practices: Athletes need their space and privacy during practices to focus and prepare for their games. Showing up unannounced can be disruptive and intrusive. It's important for parents to respect their child's need for privacy and to communicate with their child and coach to find appropriate times to observe practices.
Take over my athletic goals: Athletes should be able to set their own goals and work towards them at their own pace. When parents take over, it can feel like their accomplishments are not their own. Research shows that when athletes are allowed to set their own goals, they are more likely to be motivated and engaged in their sport. Parents can provide guidance and support but should allow their child to take ownership of their athletic goals.
Discuss my athletic performance with others: Athletes want to be able to control their own narrative and not have their successes or failures broadcasted to others without their consent. It's important for parents to respect their child's privacy and allow them to decide who they want to share their athletic journey with.
Constantly offer advice: While parents often have valuable advice to offer, constantly bombarding their child with it can feel like nagging and be counterproductive. Research shows that too much pressure and criticism from parents can lead to decreased motivation and enjoyment in young athletes. It's important for parents to offer guidance and support without being overbearing.
Expecting perfection from me: This expectation can be unrealistic and put unnecessary pressure on them. As much as parents may want their child to excel in their sport, it's important to remember that no athlete is perfect. In fact, perfectionism can often lead to negative consequences such as increased anxiety, decreased motivation, and burnout.
Communication is key. It can be scary to talk to your parents about these things, but it's important to try. Here's a possible way to approach the conversation:
Ask your parent[s] if you can have some time to talk about your sport.
Start by sharing the things you love and appreciate about them supporting you. "I love and appreciate when you come to my games and cheer me on."
Share the top 1-2 things that are challenging you, such as "Sometimes it's hard when you give me advice after the game. I need some time to process what happened and I get frustrated when I feel like I'm being criticized."
Explain how it makes you feel. "It makes me feel like you don't trust me to figure things out on my own."
Ask your parents how they feel about what you've shared. "I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. What are your thoughts about what I'm saying?"
Request or collaborate on a solution. "Can we come up with a way for me to tell you when I'm ready to talk about the game? Maybe we can talk about it the next day or later in the week when I'm not as emotional."
Remember, the key is to have clear and honest communication. If you don't try, you can be 100% sure that nothing will change.
High school can be a pivotal time for teenagers as they strive for more independence, while still needing the love and support of their parents. To create a win-win situation, here are some suggestions:
Have an open and honest conversation with your athlete. Research has shown that open communication can help build a strong parent-child relationship and increase feelings of support and understanding.
Start the conversation by acknowledging that you may have been demanding and ask for their input on how they would like to be supported. For example, you could say "I know we have high expectations for you, but we want to make sure we're supporting you in the way you need. How can we best support you?" This can help your athlete feel heard and valued, and create a more collaborative and supportive dynamic.
After the discussion, summarize what you've agreed on and commit to follow through on your promises. This can help build trust and reinforce the idea that you are a supportive ally, rather than a critical authority figure.
For example, you could say "Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. From now on, we will focus on supporting you in the way you need, and we'll check in with you regularly to see how we can improve. We're committed to helping you succeed." This can help create a sense of shared responsibility and encourage your athlete to feel more confident and supported.