Am I Saying The Right Thing? How To Support Your Athlete After A Tough Loss
Dear Durable Minds,
Recently my athlete has had some disappointing games. Sometimes I am unsure of what to say and how to support them. What are your thoughts? -Loss For Words
“Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.” - John Wooden
Dear Loss For Words,
Thank you for reaching out. It's quite common to feel unsure about how to support your athlete after a challenging game. Even if you know what you want to say, it might not be what they need to hear. As a supportive parent, your role is crucial in helping your athlete process tough performances in a way that builds resilience and confidence.
Here are some strategies to guide you:
Before the Season Starts Start a dialogue with your athlete about how they wish to be supported and what role you can play in their competitive journey.
Actionable Tip: Ask, “How would you like me/us to best support you this season, including when you win? When you lose? When you score? And when you feel frustrated?”
Understanding that their responses may vary depending on the scenario is key to effective support.
Provide Emotional Support First When a young athlete has a disappointing game, empathy is essential. A study in Psychology of Sport and Exercise found that children who felt emotionally supported by their parents after setbacks were more likely to view these moments as learning opportunities, building resilience and fostering a growth mindset.
Actionable Tip: Acknowledge their feelings. Saying something like, “I can see you’re disappointed, but know I’m proud of how you played,” can make a big difference.
Encourage Reflection, Not Rumination Young athletes can become fixated on what went wrong, leading to self-doubt and negativity. Instead, encourage constructive reflection, which helps them learn, improve, and remain in a positive mindset, rather than dwelling on mistakes.
Actionable Tip: Use open-ended questions such as, “What do you think went well?” or “What’s one thing you’d like to improve?” This promotes growth-focused thinking.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection: Perfection is unattainable; athletic development is a journey. Encouraging your child to focus on effort and dedication instead of results fosters intrinsic motivation and eases performance anxiety. Research in the Journal of Sports Sciences shows that athletes who concentrate on process goals, like effort and skill-building, feel more satisfied and motivated than those focused only on outcomes.
Actionable Tip: Highlight specific productive actions, not just results. For instance, “I noticed how hard you worked on defense today. That’s a big improvement over last week—don’t you think?” This reinforces the value of hard work and personal growth.
Set Small, Achievable Goals Together After a difficult game, help your athlete set short-term, realistic goals to keep them motivated. These might focus on improving specific skills, such as accuracy in passing or positioning on the field. Achieving these smaller goals gives them something positive to strive for and builds a sense of accomplishment.
Actionable Tip: Work together to set one or two specific goals for the next practice or game. Celebrate any progress, no matter how small.
Teach Resilience Through Coping Skills Resilience is vital for young athletes to learn. Studies show that athletes who practice coping skills, like mindfulness or breathing techniques, handle stress better and recover more quickly from setbacks.
Actionable Tip: Introduce a simple breathing exercise to manage stress before or after a game. A technique like box breathing—where they “breathe in for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold for four”—can be calming and refocusing. Try it with them!
Reinforce a Growth Mindset A growth mindset, or the belief that abilities improve with effort, can enhance resilience in athletes. Research by psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck shows that kids with a growth mindset stay motivated even after setbacks. Remind your child that every game, win or lose, is a learning opportunity.
Actionable Tip: Rather than saying, “It’s okay, you’ll win next time,” use growth-focused language like, “What did you learn today that you can use for your next game?” This helps your athlete see each experience as part of their overall growth.
Consider Additional Professional Support if Needed If your child struggles with motivation or self-esteem after repeated setbacks, consulting a mental health professional, like a sports psychologist, could be beneficial. More parents are seeking support for their children's mental well-being, as organizations like the NCAA emphasize the importance of psychological health for athletes.
Being there for your athlete after a tough game can profoundly impact their development as both an athlete and an individual. By focusing on emotional support, constructive reflection, and setting achievable goals, you can help your child build resilience and foster a healthy perspective on competition. Remember, setbacks are a natural part of any journey, and your support transforms those moments into valuable learning experiences.
Thank you for reaching out—and remember, you’re doing a wonderful job simply by being present for your athlete.
