Breaking the Silence: Understanding the Quiet Strengths of Your Teammates
Dear Durable Minds,
My teammate is so quiet, we do team bonding events, and most of us get kind of crazy before a game in the locker room. I'm fearful that they may not be caring about how we do or even if they want to win. What should I do? -Loud and Proud
“We see the world, not as it is, but as we are-or as we are conditioned to see it. - Stephen R. Covey
Dear Loud and Proud,
First off, it’s amazing to see how much you care about your team and its success. Passionate players like you are often the glue that holds a team together, bringing energy and focus when it’s needed most. However, when we’re working as part of a group, it’s easy to misinterpret others’ actions—or inactions—and create stories in our minds about what those actions might mean.
Your concern about your quiet teammate is a perfect example of this. You’re interpreting their silence as a lack of care or commitment. But what if that’s not the reality? What if their quiet demeanor simply reflects a different personality, a unique way of preparing, or even their response to pressure?
We all process situations differently. Some people are outwardly vocal and energetic in expressing their emotions, while others are more reserved or introspective. The assumption that loud enthusiasm equals passion and quiet behavior equals apathy is a narrative that might not hold up. And until you explore their perspective, you may never know the full story.
Understanding the Narrative You’ve Created
Let’s take a step back and examine the narrative you’ve formed. You see your teammate as quiet and reserved, which has led to the assumption that they don’t care about the team’s performance. But this is just one possible explanation for their behavior, and it may not reflect their reality.
In fact, they might care deeply about the team but show it in ways that are less visible. They might be focusing internally to prepare for the game or avoiding the noise and excitement to stay calm under pressure. By creating a story around their silence, you may be overlooking the strengths they bring to the team in their own way.
What Should You Do?
The first step is to move from assumption to curiosity. Instead of assuming their silence means apathy, open a dialogue to understand their perspective. A simple, friendly question like, “Hey, I noticed you’re usually pretty quiet before games—what’s your process for getting ready?” can open the door to a meaningful conversation.
This approach does three important things:
It breaks down barriers: When you ask someone about their perspective, you’re showing that you value their input and want to understand them better.
It replaces judgment with understanding: Instead of focusing on what they’re not doing (e.g., joining the pre-game hype), you’re giving them a chance to share what they are doing.
It builds trust and connection: Even if their process is completely different from yours, taking the time to listen fosters mutual respect and strengthens your bond as teammates.
The Role of Quiet Leaders
Quiet players are often underestimated in team settings, but they can bring tremendous value in ways that aren’t always obvious. They might be the ones who stay calm under pressure, who focus on the details that others overlook, or who support their teammates in quieter, more personal ways.
In fact, every successful team thrives on a mix of personalities. The loud, energetic players bring the hype, while the quieter ones often provide balance, stability, and focus. When you embrace these differences, you create a team culture where everyone’s strengths are valued.
Durable Minds Hack: Reframing the Narrative
Here’s a simple but powerful exercise to help you shift your perspective and strengthen your team dynamics:
Pause and Reflect: The next time you feel frustrated or confused by your teammate’s behavior, pause and ask yourself, “What other explanations could there be?” List at least three possibilities.
For example:
“They might be nervous and processing internally.”
“They could be conserving their energy to perform their best.”
“Maybe they’re more focused on their own mental preparation than the group atmosphere.”
Flip the Script: Imagine that their behavior is a strength, not a weakness. How might their quietness be an asset to the team? For example, they might be calm in high-pressure moments or deeply focused on their role in the game.
Act with Empathy: Instead of trying to change them, try to learn from them. What can their unique approach teach you about handling challenges or preparing for games?
Celebrate Diversity: Suggest a team activity, like a “Team Temperature Check.” Before or after a practice or game, gather the team and ask everyone to share one or two words about how they’re feeling. This simple exercise can help everyone appreciate the range of emotions and approaches within the group, building a stronger sense of unity.
Why This Matters
Leadership isn’t about making everyone act or think the same way. It’s about recognizing the unique contributions of each person and creating an environment where everyone can thrive. By taking the time to understand your quiet teammate, you’re not only strengthening your bond with them—you’re also modeling the kind of compassionate leadership that every great team needs.
So, keep bringing your energy and passion to the team, but don’t forget to pause and appreciate the quieter contributions happening around you. Together, you’ll achieve more than you ever could on your own.